Richard Cory, Life, Death and the strange place known as my head.

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich — yes, richer than a king —
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Edwin Arlington Robinson, 1867

I love this poem and have since I first read it in...1980something. I know back then I had NO clue what this poem was about so I don't know why I liked it back then. What I do know is: I remembered it and I know what it means to me today. It was brought to mind by a new song by Tim McGraw "Nothin' To Die For". Good tune. Nothing like the poem...it's NOT about suicide but about life. But it made me think about suicide...no, not as in committing it. I am selfish but not that selfish. I also have this weird life thing going on. I thought about how selfish people who use a car to kill themselves are. But that got me to thinking about how desperate/lonely/hopeless/lost someone has to be to take their own life. I'm not having a good time of things lately, but I keep on keeping on because that's what you do. Some people can't. It gives me pause to wonder...what do I have that they didn't? It's gotta be internal but damned if I know what it is.

I suffer from depression. Actually, I revel in it. I'm usually more creative and funnier when I'm depressed. So I've been told anyway - yes, I actually had a friend in college tell me "Laurie, I know you're depressed but you're too damn funny when you're down." It's true...the more depressed I get, the funnier I get...because that's how I deal. Laugh at myself, the situation and soon it's not as bad as it seems. My depression is chemical, not emotional and when I take my happy pills, I'm on a relatively laid back and on even keel. I take them because I don't like crying. I am still relatively creative and my sharp wit is dulled only a little by the chemicals that are supposed to balance my natural chemicals, but I am definitely more amusing when I've got an emotional depression. Again, this is how I deal with depression/anger/most negative emotions...I laugh, I joke, I make fun of it. I reach a bottom point and think "okay, now I'm just being ridiculous" and I start climbing back up.

Yes, I have a point to all of this rambling. I try (keyword there) to treat everyone the way I want to be treated because EVERYONE is fighting a battle. You can't know everything about anyone - ultimately you can only know what they allow you to know. You have no way of knowing what someone else is dealing with. Most people only know my sense of humor, laid back attitude and quick smile. That's all they need to know. My friends know a good deal more (hence the "friend" label) but there are things I keep only for me. Things no one needs to know.

I know my friends are worried. Jen's been sick for a full six months now. She's been out of work since July 27, 2008. I'm her primary care-giver (thank gods for her mother! Never thought I'd be grateful for a mother-in-law) and the sole source of income at the moment. I'm the responsible one...and really, I'm wondering how the HELL that happened. Me? Responsible? Perish the thought...and yet, there it is.

Am I stressed? Yes. There's quite a lot on my plate...no, my platter...and at the moment and I'm trying hard to keep it all together.

Am I depressed? Yes. Jen's not getting any better. The doctors haven't a clue and they're not helping her.

Am I worried? You betcha. HUGE worried...because I know me. I'm selfish and self-centered and thoughtless at the best of times. I'm worried I won't take good care of her. Because I KNOW ME and know the flake I can be (and, usually am).

But my friends don't have to worry. I'm okay. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but I am. I know I'm a lot quieter lately than I've ever been. I'm a lot more in my head...mainly because there's a lot going on up there and I'm working through it piece by piece. But I'm okay...because I have faith. I may not believe in the Christian version of God...but I do believe. My life works because I don't try to work my life...I just live it...day to day, minute to minute and let God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it take care of things. Why? Because it always has. I get what I need when I need it and not a minute before. May not be what I want or how I want it...but it's what I need.

So...friends who are reading this...stop worrying. I'm not going to pull a Richard Cory. I am not afraid of death...but I'm not going out looking for it either. Kinda wanna see how this weird life I've got plays out. Besides...I've got 2 more Harry Potter movies and a 4th Inheritance Cycle book to look forward to...can't wait...and by that time, I'll have found something else worth waiting for...like my nieces and nephews getting married.

Think That'll Do It,

Laurie