An Old Blog from August of 2007

Ok...so, here's the thing...Yahoo 360 is apparently shutting down and I was told my my fellow blogger to go and get whatever I want before it goes bye-bye. I'm relatively certain I've done this before but I'm doing it again and I came across this blog and felt it needed to be shared again...it's almost 2 years old but I think it's still pretty relevant.

WARNING:

1) This blog is excessively long. Read at your own peril. B) The first part of this blog is a collection of stories/quotes culled from other sites. (isn't culled a much nicer word than stolen?)
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"Learn To Write In The Sand"

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. At a specific point of the journey they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without anything to say he wrote in the sand: "TODAY, MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."

They kept on walking until they found an oasis where they decided to take a bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning and the other friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."

The friend who saved and slapped his best friend asked him, "Why, after I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone?" The other friend, smiling, replied: "When a friend hurts us, we should write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness get in charge of erasing it away, and when something great happens, we should engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can erase it"
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Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. ~C.S. Lewis
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"You have to give up something to be a success in business. There's not time for
everything. Me...I have very little time for my spiritual life. I don't have a civic life. And I
do very little with friendships—anything that doesn't have to do with business. I don't
have time to cultivate relationships that aren't profitable."
Lorraine Mecca, successful businesswoman
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In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day one fellow met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why i call it the Triple Filter Test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me, about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true or even good? You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in high esteem. Friend use this Triple Filter Test each time you hear loose talk about any of your near and dear friends.


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I've been thinking. A lot, actually. The above quotes are the one that keep talking to me...along with a couple of songs (That's When You Find Out Who Your Friends Are -Tracey Lawrence & Friends, If You're Going Through Hell – Rodney Atkins and You've Got A Friend – Carole King)

I do not like the word “friend”. In this day of “instant friendship” it is over and ill-used. I know the internet allows you to “meet” people you may never have met otherwise. And, since I met one of my dearest and best friends online, I am a big believer that it does happen. But I have seen too many people call someone “friend” before they really know the person.

I need another word...more than an acquaintance, less than a friend. A friend is someone I can call at 3am and not only will they pick up the phone but I won't have to apologize for calling. A friend is someone who, when you lose your job/spouse/whatever, will cry with you – then get you drunk, laugh at you and tell you to get over it.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that my best friend is Satan. We've been friends for 35 years...36 next week. We've had our ups and downs – gone for weeks and sometimes months without talking (okay, when we were teenagers...oh, the drama...and once when we were adults) and everyone was sure we were finished. We both knew we weren't – we needed time to get over what we were pissed off about. Example – when we were adults – we were both going through divorce (our divorces were finalized within a week of each other – freaky, huh?) and I had a part time job with a couple who were also divorcing. Yes, they worked together. Actually, she was his boss. Anyway, he and I were spending a lot of time together - “friends” commiserating/sharing. One night, he made a pass at me. I knew I wasn't ready and I also knew he wasn't the kind of guy I could get involved with for any number of reasons so I let the pass go over my head. A week or so later, Satan had a beer or two too many and confessed that she and the guy had kissed.

I was pissed. Not that she had kissed him or he had kissed her – but because of the way she chose to tell me. The two of us were sitting with the guy at a restaurant. Betrayal? Yeah...because she knew I liked him. I left that night and was determined I would NEVER talk to her again. I was done and she knew it. The next day, I get a call at work from her – she's panicked because there's something wrong with her niece (who was pregnant) and they thought she was going to lose the baby. I did what I always did and talked her down off the ledge. I was still pissed, but I cannot turn my back on a person in pain. And she was my best friend.

However, I blocked her from my buddy list and wouldn't answer her emails. I didn't have caller ID so I did pick up the phone and her niece and the baby were fine. After I was sure the crisis had passed, I started screening my calls.

A month goes by and I'm living my life...still missing her because after 30+ years of talking two and three times a day and sharing everything, it's hard to just stop. And, truth be told, even though most of the time it was all about her, I remember the times it wasn't all about her. When she was there because I needed a friend.

I hadn't blocked all of her screennames, just her main one. She signed on under a different name and IM'd me. “I need a huge favor.” Needless to say, I was incredulous. We haven't spoken for a month and she's got the balls to ask for a favor? When she was the cause of the rift? Her Uncle Jim was dying and she wanted to know if I would go with her to see him. *Sighs* It was a good 90 minute ride there and back. I went. I didn't say two words to her all the way there – I stared out my window and I remember crying at one point because that stupid Celine Dion song came on the radio (no, not that one – the other one) and it reminded me of my honeymoon when I couldn't turn the radio on without hearing that song and it was such the perfect “couple-y” song **eyeroll** - I didn't want her to see me cry so I stared out the window even harder. We got there, and she went in to visit...I said hello to Uncle Jim (I had grown up knowing her family like she had grown up knowing mine) then left her alone with him. We stopped at McDonald's on the way back and the conversation was of the “it looks like rain” variety. It was another two weeks or so before we got together and talked it over and out. And of course we worked it out. Was there ever a choice? No. Because we were FRIENDS. We WORKED at it – not for hours or days or even weeks or months – YEARS...and constantly.

And the guy? Haven't talked to him in three or four years - and neither has Satan. That's the thing - people have tried to come between us *shakes head* they can't. Why? Because if someone tells me she said something...I actually go and ask her "what the hell man?" and we TALK about it, and figure out what happened and why - and woe betide the person who tried.

ALL relationships take TIME and EFFORT. Not just lovers/partners – friendships demand time too. Anything – EVERYTHING – worth having or doing takes time and effort. It's not easy. And it's not instantaneous.

This long rambly blog is because I have witnessed a number of “friendships” implode over the past two weeks or so.

Here's the thing: if they're that easily broken, they weren't friendships to begin with. Friendships are built over time. LOOOONG time...not three weeks of reading a blog and talking in PMs and emails. It takes time, laughter, tears, compromise and a genuine affection for the person. If you don't know my last name...how are you my friend?

My 360 “friends” are people I have something in common with...but the word “friend” is a misnomer. Buddy, pal, chum – pick one. You want to get to know me? Great, I love meeting new people...hit my Yahoo IM window, drop me a message or an email.

Knowing my name and birthday doesn't make you my friend. Standing up for me when someone is bad mouthing me – that makes you a friend. Refusing to listen to the gossip about me – that's a friend. Coming to me when you have a question or have heard something I supposedly said or did – that's a friend. Don't give your “friendship” away so easily – it's a precious commodity – and once you DO give it away...MEAN IT.

Anyone I have befriended, I will always befriend. Whether they stop being my friend or not...I don't walk away, you'll find me right where you left me.

Think That'll Do It,

Laurie

The Price of Forever

I've been divorced for almost six years now and I have no regrets...not about marrying him and not about divorcing him. Granted, he was the one who wanted the divorce but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. But then, so was meeting and marrying him.



Most of my friends and family consider him ...well... the words asshole, gay scumbag and loser are often bandied about but I was not without blame in the relationship.



Yes, he is mostly to blame for the failure of our marriage but in many ways, it's not his fault he was raised the way he was raised. At some point, you do have to shake off the way you were raised and decide who you want to be but there are those who just can't and he was one of those.



I still love him and will love him until the day I die. That's just how I am. Love doesn't die when a relationship fails, at least, not for me. People look at me strangely when I say these things but that's how it is. I don't do it often but when I love - it's completely and forever. I had a friend once tell me that when you give your heart to someone, what they do with it is out of your control. You gave them a gift and the minute you do, you start growing a new heart for the next person. You don't tell someone how to use the sweatshirt you bought them for Christmas so you can't tell someone what to do with your heart. You hope they'll take care of it, because it's precious to you but if they don't, you learn and move on. The scars on that heart shouldn't be branded on the next yet somehow they transfer and the next person you give your heart to gets to pay for the mistakes the previous owner made. So I may have to dispute my friend on the idea that it's not the same heart...perhaps your heart is more like a home ... people move in and create their own space, leaving their marks upon the walls... some that the next occupant can't quite clean up or paint over. It gives the house character.



My heart feels like that about him. I simply adore my girlfriend...but there are parts of me she can't reach because of the damage done by him...structural damage that can't be repaired. Anyone entering my life has to work hard to get past the barriers I've got up...he was the first one in and he worked danged hard to GET IN...then he wanted out. It's a little easier for people to get in now, easier still to get out because I refuse to waste my time on people who have proven they're not worth my time.



Just before Christmas I was strapped for cash (who wasn't...who still isn't?) and went to a jewelry store to sell my wedding band. Why I still had it, I don't know. I know we paid close to 500$ for it...it was only worth $32.70.



$32.70 - the price of forever.



Which explains, I think, why I have so few people I truly call "friend" ... I see this word bandied about a lot and wonder if anyone knows what a friend truly is. We need a word that crosses the boundary between friend and acquaintance...because I have TONS of those. People you're friendly with, enjoy spending time with and hanging out with but they're not really friends.



Friends are the ones you call at 3 in the morning who actually take your call.

Friends are the ones who call him a gay scumbag and hold the grudge for you so you can heal.

Friends are the one who, when you call them at 11pm because you've locked yourself out of your apartment and are late for work, grab their spare key and go out in the cold in their pajamas because they were already in bed for the night and drive over to let you into the apartment so you can get your keys and go to work. (yes, I've had this happen more than once.)

Friends are the people who laugh when you slip and fall on the ice because they know you're okay and they also know that if they laugh, you'll laugh and the embarrassment won't be as bad for you.

Friends don't hold the grudge against you when you've been so thoughtless, selfish or self-involved that you forgot to ask how they're doing - even when they're having just as much trouble as you are.



I have friends like this. I count myself incredibly lucky to have more than one friend like this.



Patti (aka Satan), Cis (aka BG), Jen (aka she who is adored beyond measure) and Kristi (aka the daughter I never had).



Kristi, for all her flaws, can be counted on to help out with Jen which is more help than I can express.



Jen...who loves me in spite of myself and in spite of the stupid, thoughtless, boneheaded, aggravating nonsense I pull. Who doesn't leave me and does what she can to make my life easier despite hers being a living hell at the moment because of her RSD which leaves her in constant agony.



Cis - wielder of the red pen, pusher of the lazy author butt, she who will and has done more for me than I deserve.



Patti - who has stood by me and for me for 37 years now. We've lived through all kinds of hell and put up with each other's nonsense and buried bodies and eaten pizza and laughed and cried and yelled and screamed and not spoken...for 37 years we've had each other's back and every Saturday we spend the day together or, at least, a good part of it.



The interesting thing about these four women... most of them don't like the others of them. They all love me, but they dislike each other. Why? Because not one of them thinks the others of them treat me well. Which makes me laugh. The notable exception is Jen and Kristi ... they seem to actually like each other.



I don't know where my road is headed, I rarely do...but what I do know is that my friends will be there with me. The "newest" friend I have is just about 6 years into the relationship. That's Jen. At the other end is Patti at 37 years. Cis has been around 12 and Kristi around 7 or 8.



So, my wedding band - the promise of forever - was worth $32.70.



My friends, who are forever, are priceless.




Think that'll do it,


Laurie