Most of my friends and family consider him ...well... the words asshole, gay scumbag and loser are often bandied about but I was not without blame in the relationship.
Yes, he is mostly to blame for the failure of our marriage but in many ways, it's not his fault he was raised the way he was raised. At some point, you do have to shake off the way you were raised and decide who you want to be but there are those who just can't and he was one of those.
I still love him and will love him until the day I die. That's just how I am. Love doesn't die when a relationship fails, at least, not for me. People look at me strangely when I say these things but that's how it is. I don't do it often but when I love - it's completely and forever. I had a friend once tell me that when you give your heart to someone, what they do with it is out of your control. You gave them a gift and the minute you do, you start growing a new heart for the next person. You don't tell someone how to use the sweatshirt you bought them for Christmas so you can't tell someone what to do with your heart. You hope they'll take care of it, because it's precious to you but if they don't, you learn and move on. The scars on that heart shouldn't be branded on the next yet somehow they transfer and the next person you give your heart to gets to pay for the mistakes the previous owner made. So I may have to dispute my friend on the idea that it's not the same heart...perhaps your heart is more like a home ... people move in and create their own space, leaving their marks upon the walls... some that the next occupant can't quite clean up or paint over. It gives the house character.
My heart feels like that about him. I simply adore my girlfriend...but there are parts of me she can't reach because of the damage done by him...structural damage that can't be repaired. Anyone entering my life has to work hard to get past the barriers I've got up...he was the first one in and he worked danged hard to GET IN...then he wanted out. It's a little easier for people to get in now, easier still to get out because I refuse to waste my time on people who have proven they're not worth my time.
Just before Christmas I was strapped for cash (who wasn't...who still isn't?) and went to a jewelry store to sell my wedding band. Why I still had it, I don't know. I know we paid close to 500$ for it...it was only worth $32.70.
$32.70 - the price of forever.
Which explains, I think, why I have so few people I truly call "friend" ... I see this word bandied about a lot and wonder if anyone knows what a friend truly is. We need a word that crosses the boundary between friend and acquaintance...because I have TONS of those. People you're friendly with, enjoy spending time with and hanging out with but they're not really friends.
Friends are the ones you call at 3 in the morning who actually take your call.
Friends are the ones who call him a gay scumbag and hold the grudge for you so you can heal.
Friends are the one who, when you call them at 11pm because you've locked yourself out of your apartment and are late for work, grab their spare key and go out in the cold in their pajamas because they were already in bed for the night and drive over to let you into the apartment so you can get your keys and go to work. (yes, I've had this happen more than once.)
Friends are the people who laugh when you slip and fall on the ice because they know you're okay and they also know that if they laugh, you'll laugh and the embarrassment won't be as bad for you.
Friends don't hold the grudge against you when you've been so thoughtless, selfish or self-involved that you forgot to ask how they're doing - even when they're having just as much trouble as you are.
I have friends like this. I count myself incredibly lucky to have more than one friend like this.
Patti (aka Satan), Cis (aka BG), Jen (aka she who is adored beyond measure) and Kristi (aka the daughter I never had).
Kristi, for all her flaws, can be counted on to help out with Jen which is more help than I can express.
Jen...who loves me in spite of myself and in spite of the stupid, thoughtless, boneheaded, aggravating nonsense I pull. Who doesn't leave me and does what she can to make my life easier despite hers being a living hell at the moment because of her RSD which leaves her in constant agony.
Cis - wielder of the red pen, pusher of the lazy author butt, she who will and has done more for me than I deserve.
Patti - who has stood by me and for me for 37 years now. We've lived through all kinds of hell and put up with each other's nonsense and buried bodies and eaten pizza and laughed and cried and yelled and screamed and not spoken...for 37 years we've had each other's back and every Saturday we spend the day together or, at least, a good part of it.
The interesting thing about these four women... most of them don't like the others of them. They all love me, but they dislike each other. Why? Because not one of them thinks the others of them treat me well. Which makes me laugh. The notable exception is Jen and Kristi ... they seem to actually like each other.
I don't know where my road is headed, I rarely do...but what I do know is that my friends will be there with me. The "newest" friend I have is just about 6 years into the relationship. That's Jen. At the other end is Patti at 37 years. Cis has been around 12 and Kristi around 7 or 8.
So, my wedding band - the promise of forever - was worth $32.70.
My friends, who are forever, are priceless.
Think that'll do it,
Laurie
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