Truly...she is one of the greatest people I've ever known.
She deserves better than me.
I am not looking for affirmation or sympathy or coddling or "you're not that bad".
I *am* that bad.
Her brother, my uncle and godfather, died this week. It wasn't unexpected, but it was. He lives...lived...in Indiana and mom and dad drove out on Wednesday - my brothers will be going on Friday.
I will not be going. Let's be honest...I am not going because I am a very SELF person...selfish, self-absorbed, self-important, self-centered.
My mother is, once again, disappointed in me because I'm not doing the right thing, not being a grown up. This...is not new. I am a disappointment. No matter how much she may love me or say it's not true...she IS disappointed in me.
And she has every right to be...because I *am* an embarrassment and a disappointment...if not to her, to myself (see..there's that "self" word again).
I am completely useless at funerals...I cannot be strong for anyone else because I'm too focused on ME - my hurt, pain, loss...it's ALL ABOUT ME.
It's odd because this is not how I was raised. I was not raised to be thoughtless and uncaring and selfish and to only think about myself. And yet...I do.
I am not going because I don't want to.
There are a myriad of reasons...none of which will ever be enough. I find it interesting, however, that while I'm focused on me and feeling guilty about it...everyone else is thinking about THEMSELVES and wanting me to do "what's right" ...what's right for WHO? It's certainly not right for me...Oh...I see...it's the right thing for other people...people who are thinking about themselves...which, admittedly...they should be...they lost a husband or a brother or a father. I lost an uncle...I'm pretty sure husband/brother/father trumps uncle.
Ok...so the reasons...which are going to just be labeled "excuses"...what my mother fails to realize is that it's not just about the emotional assault that I'm trying to avoid (which is a big enough reason on its own):
1) 8 hours in a car both ways...minimum.
I am not sure I can handle that physically. I have been in constant pain for weeks now with my right hip and being in a car that long doesn't seem to be a good idea.
B) Time
I gain an hour going there, but lose an hour coming back...I have to be back at work on Sunday night (at 11:30pm EST) the service is Saturday...I will be riding with my brother and not getting home in time to really get a decent sleep in before I have to go to work. Emotional weekend + Not enough sleep = probably not the best thing for my job dealing with kids with emotional and behavioral problems.
Red) Comfort
I don't sleep well in a bed anymore...partly due to my size (which is somewhere in the neighborhood of Ginormous) and partly due to this hip/knee/groin/back problem I have going on (which, is probably also due to the Ginormous)...so I'd probably not get much sleep/rest on Friday or Saturday...leading me back to point B. Added back into the 16 hours (give or take) in the car
4) I am an embarrassment.
To myself if to no one else...my size, the fact that I can barely walk, hardly stand and sweat like...well, imagine the sweatiest thing you can and then add three more buckets of sweat to it.
Yes, I am embarrassed to be seen in public. It's my own hang-up, my own doing...and I own the mistake that I am.
I can hear my mother now "don't be ridiculous"...but there it is...the biggest reason I don't want to go other than the emotional downward spiral it will put me in is because I'm ashamed of myself. I am a HUGE disappointment...even if no one but me says so...I know it...
I was supposed to be someone. I was supposed to do great things that would make my parents proud. I was smart and funny and cute.
Instead, I am an embarrassment.
I am the only one who can change anything about me...and this is why I am a disappointment...because I don't and won't.
The why is a mystery...unless I really am that lazy...which...I am. I don't clean my apartment, I live like one of those people you see on hoarders or clean house or whatever...the place smells like cat (I think)...I need to move furniture and vacuum ...the carpets need scrubbing...so does the bathroom. Cats won't use the litter box to poop...so I'm constantly (not) cleaning up cat poop off the floor.
I am lazy and shiftless, ambitionless and really don't care about much that doesn't concern me directly. I want to play on the computer, read and write and that's it. I don't answer the phone most of the time cuz I don't like talking on it and I can't really pay attention while I'm on it.
It's not the meds - or lack there-of - it's me...it's who I've always been and I just don't care.
I don't want to change...I don't care enough to change.
I don't understand why people bother with me. I am NOT a nice person. Again...selfish and lazy and thoughtless.
I just want people to leave me alone...let me wallow in my self-loathing...leave me to my self-made prison.
I built it. All by mySELF. I deserve to live in it...all by mySELF.
Did I fail to mention Self-Indulgent and Self-Pitying. There...corrected that mistake.
Think That'll (more than) Do It,
CNQ
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